surprised i made it THIS long.

i was just brushing my teeth in the bathroom and fredrick was in the hall outside my bathroom and he said, "EY!! 15 YEARS AND DOWN!" i'm assuming he was saying i looked like i was 15 because i'm aware i look like a kid- probably because i don't really have many things that stick in my head to worry me (because i forget about them due to my TBI which affects my memory) and cause wrinkles and also- I'VE NEVER SMOKED (which DOES cause wrinkles- my mom is proof of it because she used to smoke- i'm pretty sure she still does because she's so damn careless but my sister claimed she quit). i told fredrick i'd be 40 next month- i don't believe i look it at all. more than likely THANKS to my DAD's genes.
i need to get a ticket for an airplane ride to see the apartment that was just offered to me, so i can view it and officially sign the papers which amy fucked up last time i got an offer and she said it was too short of notice and tried to gaslight me into thinking it was so short notice that we wouldn't have time to arrange a plane ride and hotel arrangements. guess what? i happened to look at my CHAMPS account and it said i was a member of the housing company for at least 4 damn years back when i got the offer.. SHORT NOTICE MY ASS. i told my good luck charm that i want a new trustee and they're looking into it. i also don't like the fact that when i call amy- she always has her receptionist lie and say she's busy or not in the office (i'm pretty sure i remember calling one time and the receptionist said to me, "OKAY MS. CARMONA.. I'LL CONNECT YOU TO HER NOW.. UH.. OH.. SHE JUST STEPPED OUT! CAN I PUT YOU INTO HER VOICEMAIL?") very RARELY do i ACTUALLY get to speak to her when i call the first time. brian NEVER used to have his receptionists LIE to me in order to cover his ass, so he couldn't speak to me. just in my experience- MEN trustees ACTUALLY know how to do their damn jobs CORRECTLY. amy is the first trustee i've ever had problems with and *GASP* she's a FEMALE! all my previous trustees were males, btw. i hear some woman saying in an irritating tone, "MENOPAUSE!" (i hear marlon wayans' voice in my head playing in White Chicks saying that). could be.. i don't know, not my business. she just shouldn't let that shit influence how she treats her own damn clients. so i plan on having zen advocate for me when speaking to her, so i can actually get shit done and not have it end up in another argument. i know she reads my blog also, so it just doesn't seem like a very responsible or wise way to perform your job when a client needs to do something and gives you enough notice to get it done and you put the brakes on the plans because it'd actually include you ACTUALLY having to do your damn job. brian should've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that i'm NOT going to remain in this state. it's killing me psychologically. if anyone actually gave a damn about me- they'd realize that (joe is the only family member who does). you already fucked up my first housing offer- YOU DON'T GET ANY MORE FUCKUPS. i'm pretty sure i need to re-enroll in this housing company again if i reject this offer AND IT WILL BE YOUR ASS- ALONG WITH AMANDA'S IF I LOSE THIS OPPORTUNITY. DON'T FUCKIN PUSH IT. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE- THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE CRAZIESTMOST DANGEROUS AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DO KEEP IN MIND THAT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE WHEN MAKING MY DAMN DECISIONS. you already ruined my birthday plans for a trip to mexico- you're on your last leg. i'll just have to do NOTHING on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY BECAUSE NOT EVEN I CAN TRY TO CELEBRATE IT HOW I WANT TO BECAUSE YOU SAID IT'D BE TOO EXPENSIVE. I'LL JUST HAVE TO SPEND MY 40TH BIRTHDAY ALONE LIKE ALL MY OTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAYS. it's surprising that i actually made it forty years having to deal with this shitty ass life. seeing psychologists to help keep me sane probably helps because NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. my previous care coordinator used to always say that i was "all talk, no action".. i'm sure she said the same thing to her son who ended up committing suicide- i know he had a brain injury also. it irritates me that people just assume that my mom couldn't have possibly done this shit and can't be as shitty as a person as i say because she's mentally handicapped and she can't read! guess what dumbasses? i KNOW she CAN read because she asked me about something a while ago that you'd only know if you READ my blog. my psychologist said, "it could be your sister telling her what you say" but just judging by her questions about what i wrote, i could tell that she personally read it. i can't make people actually act like they give a damn about me- so i'll just have to continue to drag myself through this shit i call "life" until it ends. i'm not passing this shit down to my kids- which my mom DID do.. i don't give a fuck what you say to defend her- YOU DIDN'T SEE PERSONALLY HOW I WAS TREATED. MY SURGERY INCISIONS PROVE THE NEGLECT AND ABUSE. i DO have TWO of them going up my abdomen and on the side of my stomach (along with dreams flashing back to the incident when i was kicked as a little girl because my mom felt like no one gave a shit about my dad beating on her but if I got hurt as well- SHIT WOULD GO DOWN, so she held me in front of my dad when he was kicking her.. and it did- my grandpa got pissed and chased him back to mexico where my brother found out he died during a drug trading accident or something with the cartels)- I LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN VOODOO DOLL ALL STITCHED UP ALL BECAUSE OF MY IMMATURE PARENTS. you dicks can't condone her abuse and neglect now. GOTTA TRY SOMETHING ELSE, AMANDA! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME THOUGH.. SO HELPING ME GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN ACTUALLY BE CONSTRUCTIVE AND HAPPY IS OF NO INTEREST TO YOU! I'M HANDICAPPED! I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY WITH ALL THE OTHER HANDICAP PEOPLE! WTF MAKES ME THINK I'M CAPABLE OF ANYTHING ELSE? FORGET MY WORK EXPERIENCE, COLLEGE CREDITS, AND HOW I GRADUATED WITH HONORS! I ONLY MATTER WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO YOU! RIGHT AMANDA?!